8 Ways to Sunday

Now here’s a voter turn-out effort I can really get behind. Or on top of. Or underneath…

Votergasm is taking a unique approach to encouraging young Americans to participate in the elections: asking voters to take a pledge to have sex with another voter on election night and — for the true activists — to deny sex to non-voters for the next four years. The Votergasm pledge comes in three flavors, with a few stipulations:

Pledge Levels

Citizen:
I pledge to withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election.

Patriot:
I pledge to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election.

American Hero:
I pledge to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the next four years.

Disclaimers:

• Pledge-fulfilling sex must be consensual, legal, and generous. And safe. And hot.
• Acceptable sexual positions include, but are not limited to: missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, leapfrog, butterfly, humpback whale, cling wrap, squashing of the deckchair, accordion, reverse piggy-back, advanced (”twin”) leapfrog. Male-male, female-female, group, and oral variations of these positions can also be used to satisfy the pledge.
• Taking the pledge indicates a good-faith effort to abide by its provisions. Pledge-takers who have violated withholding provisions become effective non-voters, and are barred from sex with fellow pledge-takers.
• Pledge-takers who fail to vote are forbidden from masturbating. (Exemption: pledge-takers who are not eligible to vote are encouraged to masturbate frequently.)
• “Cybersex” does not satisfy the pledge, dorkwad.
• Non-voters may render themselves eligible for sex with American Heroes by voting at least twice in local, primary, and/or 2006 congressional races. Those voting in only one such race qualify to perform, but not receive, oral sex on American Heroes.
• Achievement of a Votergasm during election-night sex is probable, but not guaranteed. Those encountering difficulty reaching Votergasm are encouraged to slow things down, talk about it, and reduce the pressure. Other techniques include the use of massage oils, toys, “dirty talk,” “ballot stuffing,” and “exit polls.”
• Per the U.S. Constitution, children conceived on election night are eligible for gigantic interest-free loans from the U.S. government, and special t-shirts.

The site itself, conceived by New York paralegal and aspiring comedienne Michelle Collins, is a hoot — something like the loopy love child of Penthouse Forum and a beginners guide to activism.

I would gladly have “gone all the way” and pledged at the American Hero level, but the chance of me finding an attractive Democrat in this conservative small town with whom to fulfill my Votergasmic duties is criminally small. I encourage everyone else to pledge to the greatest of their ability, however. This might be just the thing to help that special someone in your life who has “lost faith in the American system” get that faith back (oh God… oh God… yes!).

(Props: MetaGrrrl)