The first time I tried mate was at the insistence of my then-girlfriend. She lived an hour away in another town, and I’d been at her place until 2 AM one night. I had to get back home for some reason I no longer remember, but I was completely exhausted from all the… Scrabble. Um, vigorous full-contact Scrabble.

Anyway she was worried that I’d die in a auto accident, and insisted I try some of this herbal tea she drank every morning. I’d already had three cups of coffee with little effect, so I figured “why not?”

The results were… interesting. I was euphoric for the whole drive, grinning like an idiot and singing along to a cranked-up radio (Jeremiah was a bullfrog!). The effect persisted after I got home, with me bouncing giddily around the house until about noon. At that point, I collapsed into a heap and slept like a dead man until the next morning.

I’ve tried mate twice since then — once from the girlfriend’s tea stash and once on my own — with diminishing returns each time. After the third try, it didn’t seem like much use to keep it up when coffee was a more reliable pick-me-up.

At any rate, thanks for the suggestion but it’s not a good fit for me. I’ve been drinking more coffee to replace the nicotine buzz, and the cigarette craving is mostly faded now. As for the weight gain, I’ll just have to deal with it the old-fashioned way: denial and broken New Year’s resolutions.

“I have seeeeiined!!” (weeps, tears at clothing, pours ashes on head, etc.)

Whew! I feel better after getting that out of my system.

Glad to see you’re taking some responsibility for your deplorable actions.

I’ve replaced coffee with Mate (mah-teh). Even at work. My straw lives on my desk right next to my monitor. I’m the only guy in the office that drinks tea out of a straw.

Also, sunflower seeds are a great way to get outside for a few minutes for some more of that good ‘ol oral fixation. I also keep a pack of these around in case i can’t come up with a good excuse to unglue my butt from the chair.

Cheers!