8 Ways to Sunday

With McCain declaring that he’s up for it after all, it looks like the first presidential debate is on for tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve had two candidates with such strong themes facing off against each other — McCain “the reformer” and Obama the “agent of change.” Each one has stock phrases, familiar stories, and standard arguments that they trot out at every public appearance. Where there are patterns like that, there’s always room for a drinking game.

Here are the rules:

Both Candidates

• As far as I know, this first debate is still supposed to be about foreign policy and national security. If either candidate talks about the economy and the $700 billion economic bailout plan, take a drink.
• Whenever one of the candidates brings up 9/11, take a drink.
• Whenever one of the candidates takes notes, take a drink.
• Whenever one of the candidates takes a drink of water, take a sympathy drink of alcohol (may want to make it a sip, depending on how thirsty the candidates are).

Barack Obama

• Take one drink if Obama praises McCain’s record of national service, two if he uses the word “hero,” and three if he does this as the lead-in to an attack.
• Take one drink if Obama talks about the “judgment” or “temperament” required to be president.
• Take one drink every time Obama says “change.”
• Take two drinks if he talks about “hope,” which he’s been bringing up less since the primaries ended.
• Take one drink every time Obama tries to tie McCain to Bush’s policies.
• Take two drinks if Obama describes any Bush policy or set of policies as “disastrous.”
• Take one drink if Obama brings up his stock collection of global threats: “terrorism and nuclear proliferation, climate change and poverty, genocide and disease.”
• Take one drink if he brings up torture of government detainees, two if he points out that McCain has shifted his stance on this issue.
• Take one drink if Obama attacks McCain’s support for the war in Iraq, two if he says the war “should have never been authorized and should have never been waged.”
• Take one drink if Obama talks about diplomacy in terms of “sitting down with world leaders.”
• Take one drink if Obama gets that stern look on his face while McCain’s talking. Finish your whole drink if he actually shakes his head, rolls his eyes, etc.

John McCain

• Take one drink every time McCain says “experience” or “experienced,” take two if he explicitly says that Obama lacks experience.
• Take one drink if McCain brings up his military service, two if he mentions being a prisoner of war.
• Take one drink every time McCain says “my friends.”
• Take one drink every time he says any variation on the word “reform” (reformed, reformer, reforms, etc.).
• Finish your whole drink and laugh bitterly if McCain actually refers to himself as a “maverick.”
• Take one drink every time McCain says “earmarks,” “pork,” or “porkbarrel.” If he mentions Alaska’s “bridge to nowhere” finish your whole drink and pound your head repeatedly against the nearest hard surface.
• Take one drink every time McCain mentions terrorists or terrorism.
• Take one drink every time McCain does that rapid blinking thing while answering a question.
• Take one drink if McCain becomes visibly irritated, two if he gets obviously angry, and chug your whole drink if he flatly refuses to answer a question (he’s done this in newspaper and magazine interviews).

The Moderators

• Take one drink every time a moderator interrupts a candidate who’s gone over the time limit.
• Take two drinks if a moderator re-states the time limits because the candidates keep going over them.
• Take three drinks if the moderator reminds a repeat-offender of the time limits before even letting them begin their answer to a question.
• Take a drink any time a moderator parrots a candidate’s talking points back to them, basically giving that candidate a chance to rattle off part of their stump speech. For example, asking Obama how he would “change the way business is done in Washington.”

Update: Post-Debate Thoughts

It’s a good thing I didn’t actually follow these rules while watching the debate, or I’d be dead from alcohol poisoning.

I was surprisingly on the nose with some of these game rules, but both candidates came up with lines I don’t think anyone could’ve predicted. Early on, Obama chided McCain for his complicity in the Bush administration’s eight-year “orgy of spending.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard a US president or presidential candidate bust out the o-word in public before. I’m sure JFK and Bill Clinton had occasion to use it in private, but Obama may be setting a precedent here.

And when did McCain start using the line about never being voted Miss Congeniality in the Senate? For a candidate that cultivates a tough-guy image, that’s an incredibly girly thing to say over and over again. I’ve heard people compare modern elections to beauty pageants, but I think McCain may be taking the analogy a little too far.

Then there was McCain’s bizarre description of an earmark-laden bill he dealt with in the Senate. This bill, he told us, was “festooned” with “Christmas tree ornaments.” I get the point he was trying to make about unnecessary and unrelated add-ons, but I swear I’ve never heard a piece of legislation sound so festive.

At the end of the night, I don’t think this was a clear win for either candidate. I guess that means I’ll be tuning in for the other two debates. Maybe next time I’ll actually bring some booze.